5 Tips for Step- Fathers

1).     Never take on the role as sole disciplinarian, follow the lead of Mom.  Ask her how would she would like you to support her, while taking note of her style. You should not be expected to raise the child alone, but are there for guidance to both Mom and child.

2).     Take your time. Don’t rush to replace the other father. Most times the father is still in the picture, if not, proceed carefully and ask the child if they would like to participate in any activities with you.

3).     Allow your wife/significant other to spend time with her child(ren) without you being present (especially in the beginning). It signals security on your part and helps to communicate that you are not there to replace anyone.

4).     Create new family rituals like vacations, dinners, sporting events etc. that will slowly replace past rituals. Step-children feel threatened when they are excluded and these activities will go a long way in easing their insecurities.

5).     When the time is right ask each individual child to spend one on one time with you, take them to places like coffee shops, ice cream parlors etc. Never to a movie, amusement part or other distracting activity. Use this time to get to know the child by listening.

Pressure!!! It's NOT Normal

We live in a society where high achievement is expected of our children by parents, teachers and administrators.  The child's reward? Enrollment in high performing schools with rigorous academic programs and schedules. Case in point, Chicago High School for the Arts (Chi-Arts). Why talk about this school?  Because I currently have a client who attends Chi-Arts and I have a relative who graduated from Chi-Arts several years ago. 

The academic pressure on Chi-Arts students is tremendous. Imagine being a teenager with a school day that begins at 8am and ends at 5pm, Monday thru Friday. The first 6 hours are devoted to academics while the last 3 hours are devoted to the arts or conservatory (dance, music, visual arts, theatre). These students are being trained as artists in a professional level program and expected to maintain a grade point average comparable to selective enrollment high schools around the city. Talk about tough! When these students come to my office, the first thing I notice is sleep deprivation, followed closely by poor nutrition. It is at this point that I position myself as a coach and not a counselor per se in order to encourage them to care for themselves.  Most of my work then is sharing self-care  activities like deep breathing, frequent breaks, massages and even weekend trips to recreational parks.  Anything that will give them a break and recharge their bodies and mind.  Of course the first push back is "My grades will fall!" It is here that I balance the equation and point out if they have a psychotic break their grades will also slip, so which do they prefer? That usually does the trick.  

So, for you parents out there who have a child(ren) in this situation, pay close attention to their health and make appropriate adjustments as necessary. And be sure to include a day of REST!  

Blended families take a great deal of work and patience.  Can families make it? YES, even as the harsh reality that 66% of second marriages, that include children from previous marriages fail. Sometimes differing parenting styles and how to administer discipline cause the failures. It takes time for families to adjust to the stepparent's style and to become a cohesive family unit.  I hope you will journey with me as I share my thoughts, experiences and advice on the road to cohesion.