tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69367576079042290152024-02-08T12:24:55.614-08:00Blended Families, Can they work?PEACE centered WHOLENESShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05458431110187070968noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6936757607904229015.post-9734290209759326662017-02-16T15:16:00.001-08:002017-02-16T15:16:58.266-08:00"Is my Marriage Worth Saving?"<style>
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Many couples have this question when first contemplating
couples counseling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After several weeks
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</span>The couple goes to my website, schedules an appointment, walk into my
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Early in my career I would assess this couple as doomed! I
would do what I could to buy them some time before the inevitable break up, but
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minute I choose a side, the other is justified in believing their
innocence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ten years and many couples
later I now know that this type of couple is not asking for help, they are asking
for permission to break up. <o:p></o:p></div>
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When the question of marriage worth saving is broached now, I
squarely look them both in the eye and admit, “I do not know”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The question I offer the couple requires them
to look in the mirror and ask “How much work am I willing to put in to save this
marriage, and how honest can I be to my partner?” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other side of the coin is also important;
what if the marriage is not worth saving?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Then what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not up to the professional
to decide whether a marriage is worth saving or not, it’s up to the couple. Their
self-motivations, hidden agendas and tolerances are better barometers of their
ability to survive this rough patch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Consider
these common phrases: “My husband/wife doesn’t listen to me, or puts their
biological child ahead of me.” or My husband/wife lets the children get away
with too much!” Then they may add <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And
unless they get their stuff together we are not going to make it!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once this negative thinking is fully
manifested and communication breaks down, the couple has entered into a very
tenuous cycle of doubt, fear and confusion. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But couples that take inventory of their own
needs and ways to improve themselves have a better chance of salvaging their
relationship and staying together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
role as their therapist is to encourage them to begin the work as well as being
their cheerleader when revelations or behavioral changes occur.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, the next time you ask yourself “Is my
marriage worth saving?” know that what you are really asking for is permission to
call it quits.<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
PEACE centered WHOLENESShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05458431110187070968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6936757607904229015.post-20089245949501390412016-05-06T15:07:00.001-07:002016-12-23T17:15:23.516-08:00Urban Trauma; is it Real?<div class="Body">
If your child told you they were afraid to leave the house for
fear of something bad happening to them what would you say?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would you dismiss it as an over reaction or
would you consider for a moment that they could truly be scared.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
Welcome to Urban Trauma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Children who grow up in very poor neighborhoods in Chicago and other
urban centers witness violence on an almost daily basis, whether in their homes,
on their block or at school. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Imagine
yourself, as a school age child walking to school and stumbling upon a crime
scene were a body is lying in the street, alley, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How would you react?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In order to cope you would
need to normalize the situation. To a traumatized child, the fear of death is a
fact of life. So much so, it needs to be managed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So how do you as a parent, teacher or caring adult deal with a child
that has witnessed violence on a regular basis?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>With caring and understanding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about this for a
moment, can a young person exposed to daily trauma be expected to adhere to
normal rules?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can a young person exposed
to violence expect to receive straight A’s?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As a therapist I’m disappointed that post traumatic stress is taken
seriously in war veterans but not with urban children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>PTSD is real!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ask any child who has experienced real trauma. Exposure to a traumatic
event leaves one with no choice but to start over and try to pick up the
pieces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They must re-create safe zones
and make sense of things that don’t make sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Most suffer from recurring nightmares, hyper-vigilance and depression. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are easily startled at loud sounds or suffer
sudden bouts of emotion including crying and anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These symptoms are a problem for both victim
and family. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most just want to forget but
cannot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In their quest to become normal
they are often misunderstood and simply told to get over it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most experts agree that it is necessary to
seek professional help when symptoms don’t go away on their own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember they are the victims and their
behaviors are justified, so we as adults need to be more caring.<o:p></o:p></div>
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PEACE centered WHOLENESShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05458431110187070968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6936757607904229015.post-75296464509121626812016-04-13T13:31:00.003-07:002016-04-13T13:31:16.274-07:005 Tips for Step- Fathers<div align="center" class="Body" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">1).<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Never take on the role as </span><i><span lang="IT" style="font-size: 16.0pt; mso-ansi-language: IT;">sole </span></i><span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">disciplinarian, follow the lead of Mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ask her how would she would like you to
support her, while taking note of her style. You should not be expected to
raise the child alone, but are there for guidance to both Mom and child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">2).<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Take your time. Don’t rush to replace the other father. Most
times the father is still in the picture, if not, proceed carefully and ask the
child if they would like to participate in any activities with you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">3).<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Allow your wife/significant other to spend time with her
child(ren) without you being present (especially in the beginning). It signals
security on your part and helps to communicate that you are not there to
replace anyone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">4).<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Create new family rituals like vacations, dinners, sporting
events etc. that will slowly replace past rituals. Step-children feel
threatened when they are excluded and these activities will go a long way in
easing their insecurities. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">5).<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>When the time is right ask each individual child to spend one on
one time with you, take them to places like coffee shops, ice cream parlors
etc. Never to a movie, amusement part or other distracting activity. Use this
time to get to know the child by listening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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PEACE centered WHOLENESShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05458431110187070968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6936757607904229015.post-31376678530069915152016-03-12T13:28:00.001-08:002016-03-12T13:34:15.672-08:00Pressure!!! It's NOT Normal<div style="background-color: white; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">We live in a society where high achievement is expected of our children by parents, teachers and administrators. The child's reward? Enrollment in high performing schools with rigorous academic programs and schedules. Case in point, Chicago High School for the Arts (Chi-Arts). Why talk about this school? Because I currently have a client who attends Chi-Arts and I have a relative who graduated from Chi-Arts several years ago. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, helvetica, clean, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: "times"; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The academic pressure on Chi-Arts students is tremendous. Imagine being a teenager with a school day that begins at <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_85107835" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">8am</span></span> and ends at <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_85107836" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">5pm</span></span>, <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_85107837" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Monday</span></span> thru <span class="aBn" data-term="goog_85107838" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(204, 204, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">Friday</span></span>. The first 6 hours are devoted to academics while the last 3 hours are devoted to the arts or conservatory (dance, music, visual arts, theatre). These students are being trained as artists in a professional level program and expected to maintain a grade point average comparable to selective enrollment high schools around the city. Talk about tough! When these students come to my office, the first thing I notice is sleep deprivation, followed closely by poor nutrition. It is at this point that I position myself as a coach and not a counselor per se in order to encourage them to care for themselves. Most of my work then is sharing self-care activities like deep breathing, frequent breaks, massages and even weekend trips to recreational parks. Anything that will give them a break and recharge their bodies and mind. Of course the first push back is "My grades will fall!" It is here that I balance the equation and point out if they have a psychotic break their grades will also slip, so which do they prefer? That usually does the trick. </span></span></div>
<div style="font-family: arial, helvetica, clean, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="font-family: "times"; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So, for you parents out there who have a child(ren) in this situation, pay close attention to their health and make appropriate adjustments as necessary. And be sure to include a day of REST! </span></span></div>
PEACE centered WHOLENESShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05458431110187070968noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6936757607904229015.post-57073898897658920792016-02-22T16:38:00.000-08:002016-02-22T16:38:32.655-08:00<span style="background-color: white;">Blended families take a great deal of work and patience. Can families make it? YES, even as the harsh reality that 66% of second marriages, that include children from previous marriages fail. Sometimes differing parenting styles and how to administer discipline cause the failures. It takes time for families to adjust to the stepparent's style and to become a cohesive family unit. I hope you will journey with me as I share my thoughts, experiences and advice on the road to cohesion.</span>PEACE centered WHOLENESShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05458431110187070968noreply@blogger.com0